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sat 11-01-97 finished tibetan book of the dead, p 86
'All substances are my own mind, and this mind is emptiness, unarisen and unobstructed.' Thinking this, keep your mind natural and undiluted, self-contained in its own nature like water poured into water.
gray sky and yellow leaves, fewer. not well. beeped about report, j's machine in pieces, no meditech option, h's phone number. reading adept lodge of the lynx, rice and beans, rain all day.

sun 11-02 some high clouds, trees black and yellow, the yellow darker, the nearer maple more golden. two large puddles in the gravel drive next door, line of stones up the center that looks like a wharf. sun comes up the drive, till blocked by my building, trees come up to the height of my back bathroom window. i am on the third floor, level with the second of the older brick apartments next door, my drive slopes down to a garage, theirs is level. between, a concrete retaining wall, board fence, and trees.

out for fish and fries, bk on comm ave slow but seems better than others. overcast and warm, people taking off their coats. star, bagels, and home. reading adept all day, looked at tibetan book of living and dying, first time, got it when it first came out. clearing later, one bright star out back, north.

mon 11-03 light slanting down the bricks and bay windows, lower on the house in back, trees in shadow until the sun moves, top of one tree bare, gold leaves turned light brown and curled.

red leaves today, on my way to get lunch, one of the oaks, still full and bright red in the sun, where brookline ave crosses the fens. part of the emerald necklace, designed by olmstead, goes from the common, through the public garden, by commonwealth, the fens, the muddy river, to jamaica pond, the arboretum, and franklin park. parking lot restored and green now that the sears building has been sold, storrow drive connection still shadows the other end of the fens.

i think someone different is making the cranberry muffins at star, don't have the sugar crystals but is some kind sweet glaze, seem smaller with fewer cranberries. grapes for h, trouble finding then, changed from clear plastic net bags to white paper. new crescent moon in the evening sky.

tue 11-04 beeped at three forty eight this morning, back up stuck again, last time j said was run away job, found two jobs using lots of machine, one finished, other block tally i wrote, still moving, after futsing around for forty five minutes called back and said wait and see.

clear then clouds. h not in, taking boat out of the water. progress figuring out what connection dialog does, don't know what j wants it to do, looks ok to me. no muffin for lunch, none looked very good. usual salad, sliced mushrooms, piece of broc, cherry tomato, sliced peppers, red grapes, two pieces artichoke heart, and the stuff with beans, pasta that looks like rice, and chick peas. will get a corn muffin, or cranberry if they have ones i like, or sometimes carrot. p showed up at work, had left for two year greek military obligation, was finally decided since spent so much time here was not needed. hoped j would hire, but opening is for senior unix programmer. beeper pay reinstated, but rotation goes from four to three weeks. considering retiring again.

started adept three, wanted more of x, nothing yet. book of the dead said emptiness and luminosity are the same, seems to help some in meditation.

wed 11-05 clear and cold, bottom of the window fogged.

too much sugar in the muffins, can't taste the cranberries.

connections for emulator, did list box on new tab page of dialog box, didn't like that, copied meditech setup box, what j seemed to want. j came in, said liked meditech boxes, but finally decided to leave dialog boxes as they are and move list from combo box on tool bar to the drop down menu under file. got pause menu option to work.

comix about wings today, paradise lost about angel on earth, dc had several versions of hell, m finally created a version of heaven. hawk and dove, and nightwing gets a car.

letter from a, wants group for pagan religion based on greek gods. sounds interesting, if don't adapt rituals from wicca don't know what would do.

demonstration of kwa in tai chi class, seems to be inside hip joint, also across pelvis. power failure, had to get out candles, then traded space with other class and worked under emergency lights. have been practicing in dark, so seemed familiar. think understand new movement, had trouble with hand, said should be spiral movement, after class b showing someone, is triple strike, loose fingers, edge of hand, heel of palm. movements are slow and for health, applications are vicious.

thu 11-06 more emptiness floating energy something in meditation since talk of kwa yesterday, had to change swirling light to still light, was getting nauseous.

talk of two by fours, blocks, army men. had blocks one and one half by three by six, made from two by fours, some half blocks, some diagonal could use as ramps, one with whole right height for a rifle guy. made forts for army men. rifle guy, sitting down guy, lying down guy, gernade guy, sniper guy. truck would fit six sitting down guys in back, jeep two in front, would tow gun with solid plastic barrel that went up and down and two pieces that could be spread for support or put together for towing, tank wrong scale, all green. h had same or similar, different name for sniper guy, no vehicles as part of set. had metal gun with spring.

thornton's for lunch with h, e, and j. chicken sandwich with avocado, should ask for it without cheese. got paste to work. someone else leaving.

looking in acient city by de coulanges for greek religion. sacred flame, libations, meals define family and city, appeasement of dead, needs study and thought. ethics and philosophy well documented. good meditations from myths. would it fit with taoism?

diner at homeport collective, can remember a few names, nice people, pasta and marble cake. talk of computers, our unix programmer opening sounds more like sys admin, some of them work on security systems. the small college most went to seemed like the group in toronto, the intensity and isolation. all had to do a thesis, with committee of three or four, one had two. talk of taking over the world, seems to be a lot of that going around. friendly cats. seem to share an outlook i don't with many, need for sharing and community, diversity and exploration, possibilties. the block is always uncarved. up on the pike, back on route two, on small country road with many large new houses, moved there four months ago, one of the few six bedroom houses available in state, beautiful.

fri 11-07 five and one half hours sleep. dark, clouds. boots starting to wear on the outside heels, no longer feel tight but hurt the top of my right foot.

h says i talk different since starting this, pay more attention to words. possible. speaks of learning to write, three drafts, different sections, different styles for different purposes. had none of that, given a topic and told go, learned nothing.

sorento's with h, l, v, c, e, and d. v had mood dot, d has mood card that works only for self, everyone else shows up as black. small veg pizza, only one olive. h talked of starting massage business, said knew someone, asked if ever had one, said no but would, we'll see if follows through, kept a straight face.

got copy to work, box on left button up, can't get stupid moving box to work, either doesn't show up at all or shows new boxes as mouse moves without erasing old ones, thought of possible answer on way home. paste is normal but copy is strange on this emulator, can have all these fake windows in a text field so wrapping around from one mark to another won't work, can't tell what left and right boundries within windows or fields are intended, so must use rectangular box to mark text.

only have net access at work, been busy, only reading k, ceej, buck, bek, a few others that don't or haven't been writing as often. put counter on page, someone or more reading this, could be people i know or have met, weird, part of reason started.

didn't eat, read fifteen pages of adept three and fell asleep till midnight. listened to von o, korngold and weill, seven deadly sins, strange to hear the names of american cities in all that german.

nicht wahr, anna?
ja, anna.
clouds all day, wind, getting cold, rain late. catching up on entries.

sat 11-08 rain, bare trees, glowing yellow leaves, wind from the east.

tv shows that won't be made into movies. whirlybird, ripcord, restless gun, dial nine nine nine, fair exchange, world of giants, one with guy in brief case, not one with space ship, grendel, window on main street.
ones that might. my three sons, donna reed, bat masterson, burke's law, password, car fifty four where are you, father knows best.
ones that might have been or might as well have been. bonanza, mary tyler moore, johnny carson.
ones made into networks. disneyland, star trek, bugs bunny.
salty brian kid's show was made into a radio talk show.

is life getting stranger or is it me?

out in the wet, walk to harvard square. with change at work, class, meeting people, some progress on non attachment, feel need for the familiar. crows separate from the pigeons in the rugby field, mallards near the shore, one funny looking seagull wondering around. found books by gael baudino at harvard books used, about remnants of a race of elves, may be the ones recommended at the pagan class. looked at a different section in the book store, found tales of the city. book on boston marriage, don't read the soc i have. t home. cranberry orange muffin at einstein bros, awful, paper stuck, tough, all orange no cranberry. banana nut bagels were good.

worked on response to a, on greek religion.

sun 11-09 didn't hear rain when i woke up, did later. read several sections of carruth sleeping beauty. good energy in tai chi and meditation. going through some beatles songs on the keyboard. la mer still in my head from when h played it fri. what would it be like scored for string quartet, flute and horn, a micro orchestra? wet pigeons on a bay window.

couldn't find the discussion group. was the same place as two months ago. had cleaned off some of the papers on the kitchen counter. found the directions, realized had already used them, and threw them out. driving around in the rain and dark, found the turn. didn't take me to the right place. went back and tried again. still didn't take me to the right place. did get a nice tour of downtown stoughton.

finished adept three and the whole bag of chips.

mon 11-10 sun. clouds later. box works, started on menu list. crows in an oak, red leaves dark. k using blockquote. h had the pictures from fri, look wasted. sappho

I shall burn the
fat thigh-bones of
a white she-goat
on her altar
reading baudino. moved von o off the floor onto a shelf, the pottery to the dresser, some of the books stacked by the bed to the living room.

tue 11-11 dream of an earthquake in a forest, roads or paths, the ground opening along them, ragged wounds. woke shaking, hadn't dreamt of a quake before. h's cut on arm, my cat scratch scar, leg wounds in book, girl eighteen looks thirteen.

most of the leaves gone, still blue ribbons on the tree, from where the balloons were caught.

post office closed. forgot my wallet, borrowed lunch money. h wants to know what you think about my not being able to build on my sister's land due to zoning.

quite few years ago, having read tiny houses by walker, and other books, i was inspired to actually try building a house, after designing many over the years. when my father sold the house where i grew up, he asked us if we wanted any land. only my sister said yes and got five acres by the pond, or marsh. eventually my brother in law built the house where they live. the zoning has since changed. they offered to let me build in the blueberry field, but building now requires two acres and so many feet of road frontage. they are land locked. it was suggested i call my house a garage, but i didn't want to do that. h said why not, i could get one of those lights that strap on your forehead and register myself. i said when my father registered the trailer he built, the make was listed as homema. we finally figured out it was the first six letters of homemade. h said there you go. so blame this paragarph on h.

brown sugar thai resturant with h, s, and e. waiting, party of six seated before us. pineapple rice was good, had shrimp. h had asparagus shrimp, didn't eat all the shrimp, e took one, l showed up didn't want any, i got two. lots of ducks in the fens, trees bare, clear view of the water. trying to get list of connections on the file menu, kept getting illegal operation, no ideas. boots still hurt the tops of my feet. acorn squash takes a long time to cook. and you can burn yourself on the pan.

reading baudino, starlight. our hero has escaped the evil bishop and reached the safety of the free towns. i don't know which i dislike more, pure evil whose only purpose is power and pain, pure good whose only purpose is to be destroyed, or an author who views virtue as a duckpin. but i'm reading it. sometimes when i don't like what happens in a book, i change it. the author just supplied the words, i am the one creating the story. of course, that's what you may have to do with joanna russ, the story stops without an end or the end comes at the beginning.

wed 11-12 cold and clear, pigeon threading between buildings.

the guy who does cranberry muffins right is back. help from d, menu stopped crashing, still doesn't work. i have a terrarium i made of a tall, small diameter olive jar, plastic wrap and moss. there is something new growing in it, h says it's a fern. colder in the afternoon, wind, didn't cloud up.

m'onel in legion, different artist, todd hauck, good drawings of m'onel and spaceship, dreamer, tenzil, and chuck, nice layouts and action, like tenzil munching on a plate and adding pepper, lume shows up again. meditation with moonlight. if i point the blinds up in the front bedroom i can get moonlight without too much streetlight.

working on keeping the elbows out in tai chi class. new movement, needle at the bottom of the ocean, or, as we do it, aquarium, short without anything difficult, but lots of little bits that all have to flow together. moon looks full, too bright to tell. seen through branches and leaves of oaks, in a small park, on the way from tai chi to stop and shop. didn't see the full moon last month, clouds the whole time.

keep picking up sesame seeds, from bagels, from the kitchen to where i sit on the floor by the computer.

thu 11-13 clear and colder, wind.

h said saw a moose in the fens. the short one was the squirrel, the moose was the tall one with the antlers. is it wrong to ask the programmers from russia to say moose and squirrel?

j working on h's computer from home all day. thai for lunch, h and j, paradise shrimp, with curry and pineapple, also good. more help from d, got menu to work, used mru file one as id to update menu and put mru two through sixteen on an unused menu, to make microsoft happy. afraid of using all d's time, only had one week for questions. whole project may be scraped. so it goes. help from t and looks like h will have computer back, all data wiped, left j loading ninty five.

in baudino, strands of starlight, our hero wants to fight, being taught tai chi and awareness. von o, mahler, lieder, nice.

fri 11-14 alarm went off, thought it was sat, heard stuff bouncing off the screen. figured out it was fri, got up earlier than yesterday, didn't spend time worrying about getting up. stuff coming out of the sky, not snow, doesn't sound like rain, some white stuff on the ground. ice granules on the balcony, clear, not white like hail.

meditate with elbows out, back open, as in tai chi.

walking to work in the ice and snow. menu finally works. cafeteria for lunch, fish and carrot cake, found a large piece. squirrel and maggie ok. more ice and snow. bagels and peanut butter and chocolate chunk cookies and traders joe's.

moon circle, persephone, past life meditation. alone in a forest, leaves, trees, a wide spot in a river.

car next door can't get out, wheel spinning on ice.

sat 11-15 didn't want to go to brunch, stuck in bed, until remembered the cookies. gray sky, snow on bare trees, ice on the screen. black tire tracks in the driveway through a few inches of snow.

good day to stay inside. reading, listening to von o, sleeping, practicing tai chi, checking the mail.

sun 11-16 a lot of snow gone, a few leaves hanging on, starting to clear. didn't know how much tension i was holding until i started to meditate this morning and it released. maybe it had to do with sorting books yesterday. i have spent a lot of time buying books and used books and looking for used book stores. after sorting them for years, i got rid of a lot this spring. when i've done this before i've regretted some i've lost and i hadn't spent much time playing with my books since this last time. there is a biography of john adams i wish i kept. i didn't notice the tension when i meditated last night.

found donald barthelme sixty stroies and gopi krishna awakening of kundalini. had been looking for the first, the last looks useful if taken with a grain of salt. now arches of my feet hurt, three muffins for lunch, listening to kirky time stands still, bouncing off doorways, moonlight in the library, ordered some books from daedalus.

mon 11-17 bright sun and ice. still lost at work, some progress. took von o's grieg lieder into work. cranberry muffin again, response from l, trying to play lord of the dance, reading baudino.

tue 11-18 dream of a sand structure that rebuilds itself, bunch of people watching. cloudy. thornton's for lunch with h, e, s, and j. chicken and avocado sandwich without cheese, lots of fries. j not leaving. the so called legacy system in mumps, that the five of us have been working on for the last twenty years, that was supposed to disappear with the change of management, may be expanding. it works, none of their new packages do.

finished starlight, second half was good, was afraid it wouldn't be. out for cookies, got hermits, bagels, and a blueberry scone at stop and shop. didn't get upset when i got short changed six dollars, spaced out during meditation, mixed progress. been meditating for a year now, has calmed me down a lot, can hold half lotus for twenty minutes or more without a problem, don't find myself slouching anymore, back doesn't hurt. the different parts of my feet hurting may be from tai chi, better posture, using different muscles. clear, moon nearing third quarter, orion in the south, sirius low.

wed 11-19 trying to stay focused so i don't fall back to sleep. clear early morning light.

had the good cranberry muffins again today. been up to the cafeteria several times times recently, but the place that makes cookies is closed, or doesn't have peanut butter, or once i already had something else. bought a package of two nutter butter cookies at star today, they weren't very good.

wings everywhere last week, now supergirl. batman in challengers, and robin, the boy hostage.

after some warm up in tai chi, work on centering and breath, checking people are breathing evenly on both sides. in meditation, had noticed my two sides felt a lot different, right side tight and dark, left side fuzzy and big, like the difference between four times six and three times eight, and worked on this. review of the last two movements, new one not difficult. asked how much people practice, most fifteen minutes a day, suggested moving to other class if not that, six days a week. only seven or eight people left, some said won't be there next week.

yellow moon, third quarter, rising late.

thu 11-20 a few blue rents in the sky, wind from the west.

h wanted two oranges, j wanted to go out to lunch but had to meet with b. h brought in tapes so could listen to the messiah, but was missing the second tape, no place nearby to buy it, coop doesn't have recordings any more. fixed two bugs in the emulator, gave h and j copies. lost my bookmarks yesterday when i upgraded to netscape three point oh four so i could so off center. got back the journals without a problem, for others it didn't seem to matter what i had as long as i had something.

thornton's with h, l, l, e, and s. talk of not having gone to jamaica, ski trips, the british monarcy as a symbol or representation. i am supposed to go sledding down a two foot hill. only two beers, l ordered the second one, and wants the bare bones guide to html from me. second response from a.

fri 11-21 pigeon on the gable in the wind, pretending to be the maltese falcon, fat seagull ghosting by in the early light, distant purple cloud, squirrel in the top of a tree and one on the fence.

fixed half a bug, need to try and make it faster. found mighty orbots theme, no pictures.

saw bean, didn't understand it, liked the part where went squeak squeak squeak. one young couple did not seem to expect the lights to come on, one hunched forward, the other looking around belligerently, most people gone. stopped at star, no peanut cookies, went to the other, warm out, most of the snow gone, may storm tomorrow, not expecting to find any, but finally had them again, got five, one left when i got home, not for long. am gaining weight.

have to go into the bedroom to take my shoes off, is space for a chair by the door but the air conditioner is there. was in the front room, left by the previous tenants, took it out so i could open the sliding window, left it in there. after i got rid of some books, was space by the front door, so moved it there eventually, should throw it out. should also clean, someday. might seem empty and sterile if i couldn't tell where i walked by the patterns in the dust, already an echo since the books went.

sat 11-22 rain. something is disturbing, could be j said almost finished with the project i've been working on since feb and have had so much trouble with lately, what do i want to work on next, something i could understand would be nice. or the movie bean, disturbing, what is funny about stupidity, fear, and body fluids? or tai chi unblocking energy, or going out tonight, or the sugar from the peanut cookies, or the weather, or the holiday. i think starting to obsess on books again and going back to playing hearts and solitaire on the computer and gaining weight are symptoms rather than causes. a little stress, not a problem, yet.

pot luck at homeport, made some potatoes and vegetables. out on the pike, wet and dark, a little snow, traffic, not too bad. watching ghost in the shell, with subtitles, hair. lots of people, doorways, brownies, talking someone in, chess, puzzles, hot tub, jewish stuff, massage, sf, tickling, more hair, ten little gothlings, shoulder ride, dancing, stiff side, scraping windows, route nine deserted, tai chi, berlioz, les nuits d'ete.

sun 11-23 cold, overcast, wind, a little snow on the trees.

out looking for sheet music, lord of the dance and some carols, tower didn't have anything, at least not in the classical section. found a new von otter disc, schubert lieder. saw anastasia, pretty good, about what you'd expect, the moving view points were nice. hardware store was out of squeegees.

mon 11-24 with the leaves gone i can see the school in back and through to the next block, an occasional kid.

h solved puzzle none of us got the other night, brought in a puzzle for me, a plastic ball with six pieces. fixed the other half of the bug, can dump the characters recieved on an earlier version of the emulator, had to get h to go through it several times over two days to find the seqence being used to scroll down.

called a. listening to von o's ave maria, didn't like the disney version, this is nice.

tue 11-25 finished sleeping beauty. clear and cold, early light on the roof of the house in back and the top of the house on the next street, one squirrel on the eaves and roof.

sped up the emulator, kept having to ask h to test it, has the slow machine. still slower under windows on the two hundred mega hertz machine than under dos on the thirty three. microsoft, windows ninety five, gui's. will have the beeper christmas. i think the fern is getting bigger.

laundry. got there early, place filled up, asked not to put knapsack and laundry bags on folding table, threw coke can in garbage to make room on shelf between machines. seemed to upset, pulled can out of the garbage, said someone may have been drinking that, put it back, i said it had been there an hour and looked around. then got yelled at for leaning against the table. been going there twenty years, must have been a change of management. avoided getting mad, knew they had gotten touchy about the tables, maybe i should have been more careful, was about to use it, only a few minutes left on the drier. small progress. went to nhd while waiting, lots of squeegees, all different sizes, got a beautiful twelve inch one, will be able to see out the window after my shower.

wed 11-26 awake early listening to the glenn gould sound track. clear sky, sun not up yet, bare trees are neat. look like networks, one kind is wider at the top like a fan or ginkgo leaf, when a street light shines through a tree at night the branches form a circular pattern like a mandala.

fri 11-28 donald keene, travelers of a hundred ages pp 2 12 13

Sora's diary had obviously not entailed such manipulation of facts and is indeed so completely devoid of literary pretense that one can only suppose that it must be true.

Even if a diary contained absolutely no military information, I usually read it anyway. The men who wrote these diaries were the first Japanese I ever knew intimately, though we never met, and they were all dead by the time I read their thoughts.

Some diaries contained messages in English addressed to the American soldiers who would find them after the writer's death. They asked the finder to send the diary to the writer's family when the war ended.

gotten cold, starting to snow.

sat 11-29 cold, very bright, airplane taking off is close, foundation of the house in back is large stone blocks. shadows of seagulls in back, crows on the ground on both sides in the little park on saint paul, someone feeding the geese in magazine park, sometimes called the rugby field. seen from the bridge above, the white geese all milling around a car on the short road that ends at the water. oak leaves rippling in the charles, a line of oak leaves under the river street bridge.

opera sale at tower, got some anne sophie von otter with others, also some kiri te kanawa.

l's potluck, took rice and beans and veg, disappeared, was about the closest thing to a main course there, talking to different people, most seem to have come by themselves.

sun 11-30 out to tower, even though they have a sale on most classical music, can't find anything else i want. rained a little when i was in avenue victor hugo used books, then held off till later.

injured myself cracking a walnut, pinched when the shell opened a bit then closed, caught in the vee of a pointed crack, took a few seconds to figure out to squeeze the nut open by hand. anything for an entry.

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